So, you’re NINE.

I blinked last night…and woke up today with 9 year old twin boys.  Feels like it was just hours ago that I was looking into their small bassinet, minutes after bringing them home from the hospital, terrified and making a call to my own Mom to turn her car around and come back to help me. I distinctly remember feeling overwhelmed, frantic, scared and queasy. How in the world could I raise such sweet, tiny little baby boys to be decent human beings? How do you raise a BOY? Everyone told me boys love their Mama’s in a way that you just can’t explain. What if they were wrong?

It didn’t take me long to realize that each and every single person who had told me that being a boy mom was THE best thing in the world was 100% correct. I’ve felt crazy connected to my boys from the very beginning. It’s rare that we aren’t together and it’s been that way from the start. I don’t think I could ever put into words the bond that I have with my boys. I often wonder how I’ll cope when my boys actually have relationships of their own. But for now, I know that I’m the most important girl in their world….and that is pretty awesome. I’d like to think that one day down the road I’ll be pretty accepting of the girls my boys choose…but really, I don’t like to make empty promises. Watch out, girls.

For the past nine years on February 5th, I’ve cried each morning. Not because I’m sad really, (although, let me be honest, I AM a little bit!!! Please slow DOWN time!!!!) but because I wonder if I’ve loved them enough. I wonder if they think I’m doing an okay job. I remember all the little things….the way their laughs have changed….how big their smiles have gotten….how SMART their mouths can get sometimes…(what a delight…) how they used to both fit in each of my arms together and now they stand taller than my waist….I can’t continue with this list because I will be a puddle on the floor. My babies are 9.

For 9 years, I’ve been able to have a front row seat for their adventures through life. From diapers, to pull ups to little boys walking around in boxers. Through bassinets, to cribs to big boy beds. From paci’s, to blankies and now flashlights that I have to beg them to shut off. I’ve watched them make friends easily through new schools. I’ve watched them struggle to understand the PURE RIDICULOUSNESS that is Third Grade Math. I’ve seen them ride bikes without training wheels. I’ve looked in on them playing legos for HOURS and building the most incredible things. I’ve watched them be kind and caring to kids who others would ignore. I’ve witnessed their bond grow…the twin thing that not everyone understands. I’ve seen them giggle at each other since the very beginning. I listened to the little language they had together as babies and toddlers, and even up to now. I’ve hugged them when they’ve had their feelings hurt. I’ve put on countless numbers of bandaids and said my fair share of idle Mom threats. I’ve yelled at them like a crazy person and felt guilty about it for hours afterwards. I’ve listened to them threaten each other and call each other the funniest (Meanest in their minds) names I’ve ever heard…..only to be inseparable minutes later…..for roughly 3,285 days of my life.

I swear just yesterday I was worrying about what size diaper to put them in and today I’m worried about ISTEP and the cost of braces that are definitely in their future. I worried about what type of formula wouldn’t cause them any issues and now I wonder if 2 pizzas are enough to keep me from hearing “BUT I’M STILL HUNGRY!!!”. I wondered if they’d have a speech delay forever…and now there are days when I think, if they talk back to me just ONE MORE TIME…… I never looked forward to changing diapers…but now I dread cleaning their boy bathroom so much that sometimes I think maybe the pamper stage was a blessing. Those super annoying baby toys have been replaced with game controllers and big boy bikes. My babies in cribs have been replaced by young men with cool hair cuts, skinny pants and a deep love of Star Wars. What is happening here?! AND WHAT EVEN IS A SITH LORD?

9 is halfway to 18. The age where my babies will leave the house for bigger things. (Unless Nick makes good on his promise of living in the basement and ALWAYS going to work with his Mommy. This is documented. I cried the day he said it. Can’t I keep them forever?) 9 is preteen. 9 is ONE year away from double digits. 9 is where they become too cool to hug or kiss their Mama in front of other people. 9 is where they develop that MOUTH that I pray daily for patience with. 9 is where they start to really become aware of their surroundings and listen to the opinions of any one and everyone, good and bad. 9 is more independent. 9 is hard for this Mama.

9 is also sort of cool. There have been nine years worth of sweet memories. 9 years worth of the best hugs any person has ever given me. 9 years of unfailing love. 9 years of witnessing God’s unexpected blessings in action. 9 years of good health. 9 years of what’s been the most difficult, but incredibly rewarding job I’ll ever have. 9 years of being called Mom.

Today feels surreal. People always laugh at me for being emotional on their birthdays, but I just can’t ever wrap my brain around how it feels like they’ve turned into tiny adults overnight. I want them to know how wonderful they are. How happy they’ve made me from the moment I laid my eyes on them. I want them to know how proud I am of them. I want them to know I’ll always be the Mom who messes up….but I hope they love me through it. I hope they know I’d give them the entire world if I could.

So, today I shall drink a glass of my favorite wine in a Star Wars mug and be thankful for Nine. But Ten better slow WAAAAAAY down….Like….waaay, waaaaaaaaay down. Because TEN is halfway to TWENTY….and I just can’t even.

xoxo,

Jess